I’ve always been a dreamer. I’ve always thought my dreams were attainable. I consider them goals. I’ve got some small dreams and some big dreams.
Small dream: Go to grad school.
Big dream: Move to NY and work at a magazine.
I accomplished my small dream, and half of my big dream. I’ve moved to NY, but I’m not in the magazine industry yet. (OK, so my dream has changed to work in editorial instead of just at a magazine.)
Lately, I’ve been doubting myself. I’ve been doubting my big dream.
People always tell you to “dream big” when you’re young. But did I dream too big? Did I shoot for the stars only to land in a sea of stars, just lost and wandering to find a way out?
I feel lost because I’m not sure of my big dream anymore. I didn’t think it would be easy; the editorial field is competitive and I didn’t think I’d get in in the blink of an eye. But it’s hard to stay positive and hopeful and motivated when those around you are already in an industry you want so badly to stick your foot in.
But why do I want this? It’s always been a dream of mine, but do all your dreams have to always come true? Do I even know what I’m getting myself into?
I’m not going to give up until I make it into the editorial world, whether that’s in magazine, newspaper or web. How will I know if I’ll love or hate it if I never give it a shot? I’ll never know unless I get that shot.
I’ve been going back and forth with the idea of leaving NY and going home. I hate that idea. It’s the “smart” and “sensible” choice, though. But I’m not ready. I’m not ready to give up on my dream. I’m not ready to give up on a career I haven’t even started yet.
The thing about me is that I’ve always had hope, even when hope seems so unreachable.
The job hunt has been stressful. I feel like I’m trying hard yet not hard enough. I feel like I’ll never get “my shot.”
My life is made up of various rounds of playing The Waiting Game. I’m not a fan of this game because I’m impatient. However, I can’t come up with a new dream until I complete this one.
I guess that’s what happens when you see your dreams as goals: You don’t stop until you get them.
Working in editorial is still my big dream. I won’t let myself think about other dreams until this one comes true.