It’s been a year. What now?

I never wanted this blog to be a public diary, but here I am.

The last diary-like post I wrote ended up helping me more than I thought it would. I heard from so many people I hadn’t spoken to in years, as well as those I weren’t close to.

I’ve always had a hard time asking for help. I’m definitely a Taurus: stubborn as hell. So this isn’t easy for me to write but I think I have to do it for my own good.

We’ve already established that I’m bad at asking for help. Yet again, I’m here asking for your help.

I moved across the country in an attempt to make my dream come true. I know some people don’t make their dreams their goals, but I always thought of my dream as my goal.

I’ve always wanted to be a journalist living in NYC. I’m on the correct coast now, but I’m not reporting like I’d like to.

I’m more than a year into this journey and I’m not sure where to go from here. Either I can’t sell myself correctly or I’m doing something terribly wrong.

I know there are many factors that go into the hiring process. I know this is a competitive city. I’m trying not to lose hope, but it’s been a challenge.

When I first arrived, I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote so much of what I didn’t want to write in an environment that I didn’t love that I got burnt out, fast.

I felt like all the creative juices were sucked out of my system. For almost half a year, I couldn’t write. I had no ideas and no motivation. I was applying to jobs at a steady pace, so steady it was almost mindless. I thought, “I’ll take anything, I don’t care.” Now I understand my mistake.

One day, I picked up a book and all my creative juices came flowing back. Just like that! I was so thankful. After writing for a bit, I streamlined my focus. I still know what I want. I still want my dream.

I want to write meaningful content. I want to write things others can relate to. I want to write something that will touch someone. I want to share my voice the only way I know how: with my words.

Although I may not be in school anymore, I still want to learn. I want to find something challenging. I want to find something that will test my skills and put my knowledge to the test. I want to learn new skills to add to my arsenal so I can continue to succeed.

I want to be a journalist, damn it! I’ve known this since high school. I’m not sure how I’ll get there, but I’ve got to get there somehow.

First, I need to figure out how to stick to freelancing. I guess my want for a 9-5 has always been greater than my want to freelance.

I’ve started to ask for more help. I’m trying to get better at networking; I just think I’m socially awkward. I’m reaching out to people for advice. I’m hoping something someone says will touch my soul. I’m hoping for a glimmer of hope. I’m looking for something that will resonate in my head and make me go, go go.

I’ve got to change my point of view and the way I do things. I have to hustle. I have to hustle harder than I ever have.

I keep telling myself that I didn’t come this far just to go home. I keep thinking if I go home, I’d be a failure. I’ll have failed myself and everyone who’s believed in me. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I can’t help it.

I know what I want. Maybe I’m not good at voicing it.

I’ve heard I sell myself short. I want to prove my worth but I just want to be given a chance to prove my worth.

I’ve gotten lots of advice. I welcome all of it, but the Taurus in me takes over sometimes. Some pieces of advice goes in one ear and out the other, while other pieces of advice stick. I think it’s in the way that the advice is framed.

I’m not ready to give up. It’s fight or flight and I’m going to fight until I can’t any longer.

But my time is running out. Well, it’s actually my money.

As much as I’m struggling, I know I’m fortunate enough to have a Plan B. I’m grateful to have a family I can turn to. Some people don’t have this option. If I “fail” now, Plan B is to go home. It’s go big or go home, and I don’t want to go home. I want NY to be my home.

I’m trying not to dwell on the past. I’m trying not to pick at all the things I could’ve done wrong and all the mistakes I made along the way. I need to look at my situation positively and move forward.

I’m need to put aside my ego, open my arms and be a larger sponge than I already thought I was. Give me something to soak in. Please.

This is where you come in: Can you help me? Do you know someone who can?

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